I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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