you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
