Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
