So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
