I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
