the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
