Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
