I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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