that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
