she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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