So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Randomize
