I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
