I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
