Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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