What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
