watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
