Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I touched a dick in church today
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
