So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
