You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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