I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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