I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
