Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
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