Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
