watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize