I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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