know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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