Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
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