gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
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