I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
