She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
