today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
