i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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