i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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