what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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