No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
