mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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