I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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