I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
