I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
