Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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