my soul wont recognize me after tonight
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
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