dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
