i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
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