Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
false alarm. still invincible.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize
