I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
