Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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