Sry I called you an 8
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
