Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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