Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
