I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
