I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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