i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
There's always time for handjobs
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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