Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
