Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
There are leaves in my underwear?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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