she was so not down for the gang bang
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
