I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
