I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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