we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
