girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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