You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
