Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
