i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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