I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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