i need an iv and a liver transplant
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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