woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
